It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
