How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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