I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
