kristin has been a bad kristin
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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