I wish they made helmets for livers.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize