you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
