Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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