dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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