so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
