your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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