So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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