Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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