Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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