why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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