I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I checked into jail on foursquare
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
