Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
