dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
