My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I can't put those talents on a resume
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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