I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
