Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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