I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
