Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
