I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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