your thong is hanging out like whoa
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize