to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
