I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Randomize
