get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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