Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
