Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
