I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
is wine microwaveable?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
