Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
