Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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