I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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