Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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