In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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