Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
