I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
