My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
