If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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