someone threw a dead crab at me
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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