if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize