gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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