how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
