he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize