The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my being single is dangerous.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
