I am midnight drunk by noon
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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