: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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