she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
A bitchslap is in order.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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