I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
