The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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