Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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