Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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