there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize