my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I would fuck him just for his dog
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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