Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
