I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
