My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
