got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
