I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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