I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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