so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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