Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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