No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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