Jerry, you need to find god
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
